Today, scientists at the College of Biogenetics at Cambridge, Massachusetts have released a research report claiming that of eighteen major brands of beer tested, all contain a female hormone. The controlled study was conducted by a team of scientists led by Réne S. Phemoné, Ph.D., for the FDA under a grant of $500,000. They report that all brands of beer tested contain the hormone pheratosetrone, previously found exclusively in females.
In a control group of 100 test subjects, all men over the age of 18, the five year study confirmed that after consuming 12 or more pints of beer, every subject of the control group almost immediately displayed feminine characteristics. "The most significant of these characteristics are sudden weight gain, excessive and incoherent speech, bizarre, unusual, and excessive displays of emotion, inability to safely operate automobiles and other types of machinery, severely impaired cognitive abilities, almost non-existent logic, distorted perception, and an absolute refusal to apologize when they were in the wrong," said Dr. Phemoné. "Many of the subjects even began to exhibit symptoms of pregnancy, including acute nausea, severe headaches, mood swings, and a need to urinate frequently," continued Dr. Phemoné.
"Pheratosetrone," said Dr. Phemoné, "seems to act like a genetic switch, and when present in sufficient quantities, turns on the 'feminine side' of the DNA in the test subjects. The test findings merit a more detailed study," concluded Dr. Phemoné.
Dr. Phemoné has applied to the FDA for an additional grant of $500,000 to continue the study. A confidential source highly placed in the FDA said that if Dr. Phemoné's findings were confirmed by additional testing, the FDA would submit legislation to the Congress for the enactment of a bill limiting the sale of beer to males who had been confirmed by licensed physicians as being transvestites.
A spokesman for the beer industry denied that hormones were present in their products and ridiculed Dr. Phemoné's test results. The spokesman said that the beer industry would vigorously lobby against any proposed laws restricting the sale of beer.